I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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