we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
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