Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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