I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
