You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
