just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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