girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
