you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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