k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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