he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
