The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
