how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
