The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
