I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
