I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
