While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
