I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
