You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
