He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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