i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
