I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
