I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
