I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
