when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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