they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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