I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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