You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
