just come out here and I will go home with you...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
