You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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