Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My vagina just recognized that song.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
