I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
