Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
