what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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