why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
