You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
