The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
