You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Randomize
