I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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