Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
