then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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