Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Congratulations! We have a period
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