is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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