i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
