i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
