I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I supernannyed him into submission
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
