Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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