forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
