ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
