he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
