if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize