Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize