I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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