I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
