i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
