So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
