I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
