This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
